broken family

A death in the family should bring people closer together, not rip the family further apart.  While my family is quite divided, I would have thought this terrible tragedy would have brought about resolve, peace, and love as we all struggle to deal with the loss. I was wrong --

It's been a nightmare that started when I learned my youngest brother had been killed. He was walking to an appointment and the driver of the car was blinded by the sun and struck him and killed him instantly. It was an accident and very unfortunate. I'm not overly angry with the driver, though on that road, anyone who drives it in the morning knows the sun rises in the East, he was driving headed east, his sunglasses should have been already on..but focusing on that is laying blame and that is not what this is about.  

After finding out, it didn't get any better..

I have a particular niece who loves to argue, lie and stir trouble. She is addicted to attention, be it good, bad or indifferent and she absolutely hates me. Mainly, I feel, because I have called her out on the lies about her mother and everything else she can think of and set her straight with the truth. Naturally, she does not like that, it embarrasses her and makes her look bad in front of the friends she is trying to impress or gain attention from.  She doesn't like me and the feeling is mutual, especially when I know I couldn't trust her with an eraser, not because she'd steal it, but because she would try to use it to erase the truth, facts and distort reality. At any rate, she will take any opportunity to say something snotty and insulting to me, on the internet of course. Face to face she is as nice as warm apple pie. She did this the day after my brother was killed. Albeit I was, in fact, having a go at my brothers ex, who I'll call "cat," who had left him numerous times and only a few days prior to his death, left him again, and he found out for someone else, she refused to answer his calls or text messages as to why but he found out through mutual friends. As she posted his Facebook wall numerous times saying how much she loved and missed him, I became increasingly annoyed and finally asked her to please stop!  That's when the argument started, not with her, but with the niece, then the sister gets in on it, though she started off abrasive she toned it down, but it went from there, my nephew even commented a few times but nothing insulting to me.  Eventually, it calmed, but not for a while and not even when another family member commented that it was all embarrassing. It was unnecessary for the niece to stick her nose in, to defend someone she never even met the person. I was directing my words to that someone I did know and had met A for my niece, my brother had not much use for her and said as much many times for the same reasons I don't.  So it wasn't about anything other than her seeing an opportunity to say things, many things that were unkind, unwelcome, vulgar and rude. 

Then..there was the ex-family member, I'll call "Bea" who doesn't like Cat either but really hates the ex prior to that one who I'll call "Mabel, "who I get along with because I have that right.  Also, there was not a lot of bad blood between my brother and her considering she visited him and even stayed in his house for a few months, all platonic.  Naturally, none of those things are going to make this person like her, respect her or even want to tolerate her and yes, she does have valid reasons, but that is HER, not me nor my mom or anyone else.  Obviously, they do not like one another and that is between them.  When the ex-girlfriend, Mabel, wrote on a photo of my brother that she had some pictures for his kids and would bring them to the funeral, I simply replied with "thank you".  I quickly got an email from Bea stating that no one is to give her children anything without her permission and that the boys didn't even want to see her, it would be too upsetting for them, naming reasons that seemed to be more from her mouth than theirs. These children are early teens and had a relationship with Mabel as she lived with their dad just two years prior to his death.  Further to that, I should have told to her to "f-off," where was my temper? etc.  I cannot be bullied like that or manipulated to be cross with someone who made a kind gesture. Bea was insulted because Mabel bypassed her and spoke to me when Bea and I were talking on the photo. I understand that being insulting, however, they did not get along, why then would Mabel write directly to Bea? She wouldn't, not would I in that situation. This is years of bad blood, further, in my opinion, don't yell at me about it, go tell Mabel what you think, if you in-fact feel that offended and you want to say something vulgar to her..you do it.  When the argument with Bea started it was to do with this issue, where she told me that if I didn't want to, I should have just told her to do it herself.  While I am thinking, I shouldn't have to, I should not have been asked to do it, to begin with. I'm an adult, I am not in high school and I don't do anyone's bidding for them as no one does mine either. Why should I make enemies, soothe someone else's ego? I don't think that I should. I like to pick and choose my battles and I don't go after folks who are friends of mine no matter who doesn't like them.  I will say this, while I sympathize with Mabel, and on a one to one level with her, we get along, I don't like a lot of things that went on her relationship with my brother, and yes, sometimes those things affected me very much, but it was their business and not mine. Would I have wanted my brother back with her?  No, but only because of their past and the inability to ever get along among other things, no more than I did his recent ex. But that is not my call NOR is it my business. If my brother was happy? I was happy. This did not go well with Bea who had been saying she loved me and I saying I loved her too for years...and the tension grew, then it mushroomed into more things I did that made her angry, things I didn't even know she was mad at me for.  I explained to Bea that I emailed Mabel and asked her to just put the photos in an envelope and leave them on the tray, say good-bye to my brother and please be on her way, she knew why and she promised me she would comply. I also explained to Bea that I would not email Cat, as my disgust with her would not allow it. At that time, I began getting berated for my dislike of one and not the other, that is what it boiled down to. But using the children's feelings as reasons for me being wrong.  I finally came out with what was on my mind and explained I really felt that she was using the children (teenagers) as an excuse for her own agenda and I still do feel that way...I could be wrong but I don't think I am.  Even if I am wrong, I am not wrong for how I feel, how I act, yes, how I feel? I don't think so.  It snowballed from there to being accused of making her look like an asshole over my brother's ashes.  The story with that is that I was told what would be done with his ashes and who was controlling that decision. I did not like the idea at all and I asked Bea what her opinion was, she didn't either and mentioned perhaps her kids would like to have them, she did not know. So I took the initiative and called my mom and mentioned this conversation and she said, you know? You are right, they should be asked. My head has been in such a fog, it didn't even occur to me.  I called mom back a few hours later to see if anything had been accomplished, she told me that the kids would be offered. I was so happy and told Bea, by then she had spoken with her kids and they were quite happy with the original plan, so it would stay as it was, but at least, to me...they were asked what they wanted.

Suddenly, I am a bad person for doing that as I made Bea look like an asshole. I don't get it?  

Then I was a shit-stirrer and then a bitch, and so on. It became all too much for me, I am grieving the loss of my brother, so I simply advised her that I loved her and I am here for her and the kids, as I always have been but I refuse to do this anymore, it had been 2 hours of me defending myself, explaining myself and I was getting nowhere. So, a 15-year relationship is down the tubes and I feel mainly because I would not tell someone she hates to F-off.  I suppose it was a relationship much more superficial than I ever thought, which makes me sad.

Over the week of my brother's death, I think I had fights with 3 people all except one was a family member, all the while grieving. It is so sad, even though I did actually start one of them, with Cat.  I know that she knew she'd get a reaction, it's what she did with my brother, be an instigator to get a fight, well I'm not sorry a bit because as I see it...I beat her at her own game and how do I know?  I woke to an email from her on the day of my brother's wake that read "your brother didn't even like you, so f-off".  Well, if that doesn't say she tried to hurt me deep nothing does! I am unaffected, my brother and I had a good relationship and there is nothing she can say to change that. One has to wonder though, what kind of person does that? A mean spirited, hateful person is my guess.

I must come to realize that this family is broken and it is no longer up to me to try and salvage it. If you can't gather willing participants, it is broken and that is how it shall stay. That is so depressing, thank goodness for good friends and a wonderful husband and other members of the family who love me dearly as I do them.

Take care and have a wonderful holiday season.

Sabria.

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Life ends...

Sad news..My husbands mother did pass away, as did his Nana the week before. It has been a very trying time for him and his entire family. 

I met his Nan in 2005. She was a sweet, little lady with a lot of energy. She played bingo everyday, ate like a horse at dinner and helped with all the cleaning up. She presented herself as the lady that she was. She dressed nice, wore a bit of make up and wore her jewelry. I adored her. It was sad when she passed..she had a sudden heart attack and though they tried with surgery to save her, it was her time. She will be missed by many, myself included.

I also met my husbands mom in 2005. She was always full of life and when she laughed, her whole face showed it. She was, as a scorpion, a spit fire as well!! Outspoken, true to her word and loved her children and grandchildren very much. She was generous and she was grateful. In 2007 we had her over to our house for 2 weeks for a visit, that was when I got to  know her best. I enjoyed those days and nights spending time with her and getting to know her better. It was sad to see her go back home, but before she did, she told my husband something that has stayed with me since, she said "That was the first time that I have felt comfortable in anyone's home, I enjoyed myself". That meant a lot to me, considering 4 of those days she spent in the hospital with pneumonia. I tried very hard to ensure she was comfortable and that she had her meals on time, being a diabetic, that was very important. In 2009 her health began failing, she was in and out of the hospital a few times.  I believe being a diabetic contributed to some of the issues that were going on. As her health waned, she was eventually deemed unable to care for herself in her own home and had to be placed in a care facility. Her needs went beyond what one or two untrained people could do. In recent weeks, she had stopped eating and drinking, while they tried a feeding tube, she pulled it out. Eventually, they did her back on track and then her mom died. The family had to tell her about her moms passing because they were worried a visitor might, and that is not the way for her to have found out her mother had died. She died in less than week of finding out. I do hope she is at a peaceful rest now. I believe that she had taken all the hurt, pain and losses she could. Her husband died in 2003, then her partner who she had met in 2005 died in 2008, and her mom in 2012.  From past experience in dealing with a family member (from a past marriage) who endured a leg amputation after her husband died, I can say that losing their dignity is awfully hard on them. While there is always the "will to live", surly does not mean at any cost. The elderly, sick and injured, should be treated with the utmost respect and great care taken to help them maintain their dignity and keep their pride intact. I could not imagine going through such an ordeal with or without the grieving process of losing someone I love. 

Looking back on the many people who have died before me, whether they died young or old..it reminds me that life is so precious, it so delicate and it is not guaranteed for tomorrow. With that in mind, I beg you to live your life to fullest, love one another, be kind to one another and be kind to yourself. Laugh as loud as you'd like, smile as widely as you can..and when you pass on, know that people will remember you for who you were..not what you owned, not what political party you were in, not for anything but the way YOU made them FEEL. 

My husband and I plan to prepare for our own death, by picking out the music we want played, photos we'd like to be displayed and maybe even write down our thought for our our own eulogy, put it all on a memory stick and give to our attorney with our will. 

I'll be back to ranting real soon!!

Much love,

Sobria.

Why am I so intuitive?

Having recently had a wonderful visit with a dear friend, who's more like a twin, I say that because we are very much alike. It is of great comfort to me to know her and spend time with her because if I did not have her, I would go through life explaining that I am not a judgmental, paranoid bitch.  Having someone in my life who is on top of her game as I am, I never feel the need to explain.


I realize that a lot of what people say and do are "habits"..and that is something I do as well. I may respond to a comical email with "how funny"..instead of using my own brain and writing "I think that was so funny, I really laughed!".  I may also "automatically" be polite because I am polite and very much about respect. In hindsight though, I will ask myself "why didn't you just tell ____to to take a long walk off a short pier?" Or be more direct and tell them exactly what is on your mind??  Because sometimes you aren't in the mood to have a headache that will ensue, and sometimes you just do the polite thing and provide grace (not being mean when you could be) because, in reality, you are not aggressive..unless you are forced to be.  So, I get ALL that...I DO.


What I don't GET is those that constantly lie, pretend, sneak, and plot. They do this with their friends, they do this with co-workers, job applications, the tax department (idiots), and everything they come into contact with. There's always a plan, if you will, to have it all come out in their favor. Leave nothing to fate, because they know that fate doesn't like their kind much at all. 


Many people are just unhappy, and for good reasons some of the time, finances stink, relationship stinks, maybe they have lost someone they love dearly to the heavens, maybe they have lost their job, it could be that they have had or been in a terrible accident or some trauma, it could just be GUILT..whatever it is, for each person it is REAL and it does affect them and how they carry out their day to day to lives.  It doesn't have to, but you can't tell them that unless they want to change their lives around.


The sort of people I am speaking about may well have those issues, and it could very well be what makes them the "demons shat from hell" that they are today..frankly, I don't give a fuck!  Should those people find themselves in my exclusive circle of people that I call my friends, (not my facebook friends, my REAL friends) they will swiftly find out, and become greatly annoyed that they can not pull their shit with me. Ah, yes, for a while, they will...because I am a trusting person, and I am a person who overlooks A LOT of things in order not to be "all up in their business" so to speak.  It is not a requirement of friends to agree on everything n' anything..sometimes you have to accept their false as they must accept yours..but only up to the point that you see their false lies within their soul and they are actually soul-sucking demon in human clothing. That's when most run..but it is when I expose them..initially, people will say "nooo, you have them all wrong"..or "you're reading too much into it", and even "do you even like anybody?"..these things I must live with, but I do not stop ripping layer after layer down..and finally, people see what I showed them all along..no..it isn't rewarding, it pisses me off because I HAD TO PROVE I WAS RIGHT  to be believed. BUT, that is HOW good these fuckers make themselves out to be. Except with me. 


I watch someone's face and eye movement when telling me a story without even realizing it..because when I begin to doubt the story, I will later (even months later) recall what they were wearing, their facial expression, eye movements, the pitches in their voice, their hand gestures, etc.and I know when someone is talking to me, I'm not analyzing them, on a conscious level, anyway. 


I have always disliked a woman my step-brother married, I never met her in my life..just email contact and later facebook contact..I knew from the opening gate I did not like her, though I tried very much to like her..I set aside many things she said, implied, and reacted to and how she reacted to them..in order to like her..in the end, I concluded that I could not stand her, not because I'm a bitch, but because she is, as well as a pathological lair and an attention seeking slag.  She made a highly offensive status one day, and I called her on it..but simply by saying "that sounds racist"..I'm sure you didn't mean it to..but it does. After I did, 2 others echoed my response..to retaliate, she went on a mission to do her best to humiliate me, which did not go very far..as she knows nothing about ME, as I said, I did not like her from the start, I certainly never had personal conversations with her, so instead she began to make things up, as she was dwindling down with trying to prove what she was saying about me, (because she could not) she deleted me..thus disabling my ability to defend myself. Which is fine..but it proves my intuition about her.  No good, from the opening gate. Since that has occurred, she has offended my sister and my mother..while I am sorry that happened, it again, proved what I was saying all along, she's no fucking good.


There's another story I will delve into later, this is way too long..and I will let you rest on this.


As for my friend, my twin..she gets it, as she warned me before about someone and I didn't listen..that will never happen again.


xoxo
Sobria.


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