broken family

A death in the family should bring people closer together, not rip the family further apart.  While my family is quite divided, I would have thought this terrible tragedy would have brought about resolve, peace, and love as we all struggle to deal with the loss. I was wrong --

It's been a nightmare that started when I learned my youngest brother had been killed. He was walking to an appointment and the driver of the car was blinded by the sun and struck him and killed him instantly. It was an accident and very unfortunate. I'm not overly angry with the driver, though on that road, anyone who drives it in the morning knows the sun rises in the East, he was driving headed east, his sunglasses should have been already on..but focusing on that is laying blame and that is not what this is about.  

After finding out, it didn't get any better..

I have a particular niece who loves to argue, lie and stir trouble. She is addicted to attention, be it good, bad or indifferent and she absolutely hates me. Mainly, I feel, because I have called her out on the lies about her mother and everything else she can think of and set her straight with the truth. Naturally, she does not like that, it embarrasses her and makes her look bad in front of the friends she is trying to impress or gain attention from.  She doesn't like me and the feeling is mutual, especially when I know I couldn't trust her with an eraser, not because she'd steal it, but because she would try to use it to erase the truth, facts and distort reality. At any rate, she will take any opportunity to say something snotty and insulting to me, on the internet of course. Face to face she is as nice as warm apple pie. She did this the day after my brother was killed. Albeit I was, in fact, having a go at my brothers ex, who I'll call "cat," who had left him numerous times and only a few days prior to his death, left him again, and he found out for someone else, she refused to answer his calls or text messages as to why but he found out through mutual friends. As she posted his Facebook wall numerous times saying how much she loved and missed him, I became increasingly annoyed and finally asked her to please stop!  That's when the argument started, not with her, but with the niece, then the sister gets in on it, though she started off abrasive she toned it down, but it went from there, my nephew even commented a few times but nothing insulting to me.  Eventually, it calmed, but not for a while and not even when another family member commented that it was all embarrassing. It was unnecessary for the niece to stick her nose in, to defend someone she never even met the person. I was directing my words to that someone I did know and had met A for my niece, my brother had not much use for her and said as much many times for the same reasons I don't.  So it wasn't about anything other than her seeing an opportunity to say things, many things that were unkind, unwelcome, vulgar and rude. 

Then..there was the ex-family member, I'll call "Bea" who doesn't like Cat either but really hates the ex prior to that one who I'll call "Mabel, "who I get along with because I have that right.  Also, there was not a lot of bad blood between my brother and her considering she visited him and even stayed in his house for a few months, all platonic.  Naturally, none of those things are going to make this person like her, respect her or even want to tolerate her and yes, she does have valid reasons, but that is HER, not me nor my mom or anyone else.  Obviously, they do not like one another and that is between them.  When the ex-girlfriend, Mabel, wrote on a photo of my brother that she had some pictures for his kids and would bring them to the funeral, I simply replied with "thank you".  I quickly got an email from Bea stating that no one is to give her children anything without her permission and that the boys didn't even want to see her, it would be too upsetting for them, naming reasons that seemed to be more from her mouth than theirs. These children are early teens and had a relationship with Mabel as she lived with their dad just two years prior to his death.  Further to that, I should have told to her to "f-off," where was my temper? etc.  I cannot be bullied like that or manipulated to be cross with someone who made a kind gesture. Bea was insulted because Mabel bypassed her and spoke to me when Bea and I were talking on the photo. I understand that being insulting, however, they did not get along, why then would Mabel write directly to Bea? She wouldn't, not would I in that situation. This is years of bad blood, further, in my opinion, don't yell at me about it, go tell Mabel what you think, if you in-fact feel that offended and you want to say something vulgar to her..you do it.  When the argument with Bea started it was to do with this issue, where she told me that if I didn't want to, I should have just told her to do it herself.  While I am thinking, I shouldn't have to, I should not have been asked to do it, to begin with. I'm an adult, I am not in high school and I don't do anyone's bidding for them as no one does mine either. Why should I make enemies, soothe someone else's ego? I don't think that I should. I like to pick and choose my battles and I don't go after folks who are friends of mine no matter who doesn't like them.  I will say this, while I sympathize with Mabel, and on a one to one level with her, we get along, I don't like a lot of things that went on her relationship with my brother, and yes, sometimes those things affected me very much, but it was their business and not mine. Would I have wanted my brother back with her?  No, but only because of their past and the inability to ever get along among other things, no more than I did his recent ex. But that is not my call NOR is it my business. If my brother was happy? I was happy. This did not go well with Bea who had been saying she loved me and I saying I loved her too for years...and the tension grew, then it mushroomed into more things I did that made her angry, things I didn't even know she was mad at me for.  I explained to Bea that I emailed Mabel and asked her to just put the photos in an envelope and leave them on the tray, say good-bye to my brother and please be on her way, she knew why and she promised me she would comply. I also explained to Bea that I would not email Cat, as my disgust with her would not allow it. At that time, I began getting berated for my dislike of one and not the other, that is what it boiled down to. But using the children's feelings as reasons for me being wrong.  I finally came out with what was on my mind and explained I really felt that she was using the children (teenagers) as an excuse for her own agenda and I still do feel that way...I could be wrong but I don't think I am.  Even if I am wrong, I am not wrong for how I feel, how I act, yes, how I feel? I don't think so.  It snowballed from there to being accused of making her look like an asshole over my brother's ashes.  The story with that is that I was told what would be done with his ashes and who was controlling that decision. I did not like the idea at all and I asked Bea what her opinion was, she didn't either and mentioned perhaps her kids would like to have them, she did not know. So I took the initiative and called my mom and mentioned this conversation and she said, you know? You are right, they should be asked. My head has been in such a fog, it didn't even occur to me.  I called mom back a few hours later to see if anything had been accomplished, she told me that the kids would be offered. I was so happy and told Bea, by then she had spoken with her kids and they were quite happy with the original plan, so it would stay as it was, but at least, to me...they were asked what they wanted.

Suddenly, I am a bad person for doing that as I made Bea look like an asshole. I don't get it?  

Then I was a shit-stirrer and then a bitch, and so on. It became all too much for me, I am grieving the loss of my brother, so I simply advised her that I loved her and I am here for her and the kids, as I always have been but I refuse to do this anymore, it had been 2 hours of me defending myself, explaining myself and I was getting nowhere. So, a 15-year relationship is down the tubes and I feel mainly because I would not tell someone she hates to F-off.  I suppose it was a relationship much more superficial than I ever thought, which makes me sad.

Over the week of my brother's death, I think I had fights with 3 people all except one was a family member, all the while grieving. It is so sad, even though I did actually start one of them, with Cat.  I know that she knew she'd get a reaction, it's what she did with my brother, be an instigator to get a fight, well I'm not sorry a bit because as I see it...I beat her at her own game and how do I know?  I woke to an email from her on the day of my brother's wake that read "your brother didn't even like you, so f-off".  Well, if that doesn't say she tried to hurt me deep nothing does! I am unaffected, my brother and I had a good relationship and there is nothing she can say to change that. One has to wonder though, what kind of person does that? A mean spirited, hateful person is my guess.

I must come to realize that this family is broken and it is no longer up to me to try and salvage it. If you can't gather willing participants, it is broken and that is how it shall stay. That is so depressing, thank goodness for good friends and a wonderful husband and other members of the family who love me dearly as I do them.

Take care and have a wonderful holiday season.

Sabria.

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Blessings

There are so many blessings in our lives, but sometimes we choose to not look at them, be thankful for them or acknowledge them. I understand that most times it is because our problems and stresses can overtake our mind and be set as a priority...but if you ask me, that is a huge mistake!  

I heard a saying many years ago, you get what you give..and while I am sure that is not always true..for the most part, it is.  If you always be thankful for the little things, you will find, I believe, that life is much easier to get through. When we focus solely on the negative aspects, which is easy to do with so many world issues and so many people without work, we become negative..which may attract negative energy; obviously what I am getting at is the opposite holds true. 

I have been really depressed and feeling sorry for myself. I am in another country, very far away from my family and friends..Most of the people I have met here are shallow and self absorbed..not all, but almost all. It does not set well with my sense of fairness and my natural need for harmony and peace..So, I have been pondering home, the familiar and those that I know and love, who are not shallow and self absorbed.  These bouts of being homesick are not easy to get through, they are so turbulent, I feel a need to leave NOW, not later, and..I can't. I must remind myself why I moved here to begin with..but none of that has worked out..some of it my fault and most of it "just the way the cookie crumbles".  While I love this country and I love the friends I have made, as well as the family I have met..but ultimately, it is not my family and it has been made (gently) clear by them on a few occasions. Sometimes, I think moving so far was a lesson..to not take for granted the family you have and the friendships you've maintained for over 25 years. Though, new experiences and new friends have also been a wonderful experience..except when they went sour. I do have one friend here who I treasure..but she too... is far away from me. 

I do feel discouraged at times when it is always me telling family and friends "I miss you and love you"..when I do not get in return...It makes me wonder, am I missed as much? Am I loved as much? I have thought about the idea of stopping myself from doing it to see if anyone writes that to me...yet, I can NOT because that would be denying them my love (from afar) and the possible joy of knowing that someone who loves them, also misses them. 

The blessings in which this post is about is to be thankful for your past, present and hopes for the future. I am grateful for the internet, Skype and tinychat..I have been able to talk to my family and friends for hours, for free..I can see them and hear their voice, as they can see me and hear mine. It makes home seem not so far..and it helps me sleep so peacefully knowing I have connected with them on that level. 

I feel blessed for food on our table, a roof over heads, the good health of all my children, husband, siblings, my parents and friends..Though I am saddened that my mother in law is not doing so well..I hope that they (The doctors) are able to get her back on track. I'm grateful she the care of a medical facility and good doctors. 

I feel blessed that I have compassion and empathy, it seems to me that not many do. So many or driven by lust and money..they forget or do not even think about those that are destroyed in the crossfire. So many abuse a child or an innocent animal to feel powerful, because inside they feel so weak - or are mentally destroyed. What the excuses are do not concern me as much as the harm. WE all know right from wrong and they do too, otherwise they would not try to hide it and conceal it.

I am blessed because I feel, because I think, because I care and because one day I know, being positive about my circumstances will bring good things into my life. If I focus too much on all that is wrong, I will be buried in darkness and sadness and that is where I would stay. I refuse to let my shortcomings define me.

xoxox Sobria.

Us, the human race

The Power of Integrity: Building a Life Without Compromise 



Integrity: Good People, Bad Choices, and Life Lessons from the White House 



I find myself asking, what in the hell is going on with people?  I can give a hundred examples of why I ask, and quite honestly, worry.  Recently, I was involved in something on facebook, that turned out to be nothing but a ploy for attention. The part that really disturbs me is that I really went to bat for this person who says she is pregnant and being harassed, and given this person is a relative, I was very upset!!  I intervened and defended said relative, only to later read that the harassment really didn't bother her,  cause "no one was bringin her down". I live in another country, it was expensive for me to call that country 5 times in her defence. Not only was I extremely upset by the language used against this relative, but also suggestions she should have an abortion!  That individual is clearly mean, malicious, and thoughtless. However, my relatives response was obviously "ha, ha, I got my aunty involved, this sucker will pay now" and once I was involved, I did end the problem, at great expense to me financially and emotionally.  In that scenario, I evaluate it as follows; The harasser is void of compassion, plain and simple, the relative is void of integrity, plain and simple, and myself, is void of self control. 

Other instances include animal abuse, it seems to be ramped, like a disease. I am seeing more and more instances of animal abuse than ever! I am talking torturing animals, for pleasure..and then you have people who do not even consider their pet a part of the family any more when it becomes an inconvenience..They want to move or have a baby, perhaps they want to downsize into a beach front unit, I don't know and quite honestly, I do NOT care what their pathetic excuses are. These people KNOW they are wrong, morally corrupt, and complete liars! They bring them to the shelter with so many lies it isn't funny, "suddenly they have an allergy to the 4 year old cat or dog, or they lie and say it bites (stupid idiots, puts that dog right in the front of the line for euthanasia), they even say it's a stray..how pathetic is that? A well fed, healthy animal; who is clean and groomed..that isn't a stray fuck wit, it's either a lost dog or your dog, likely your dog cause you are looking so hard for an excuse to ditch your "beloved pet" that you can't reason that out! 

School bullying has been an issue from day one in any school around the world, why is that? It is something learned at home?  Is there abuse in the home of the bully? What makes a bully so aggressive, mean, and hateful?? anyone..????  I am pleased to see it IS an issue taken seriously now instead of telling the victim to harden up..ignore them and they'll stop (right.........)

The good ole on-line experience..WOW is all I can really say, there are so many people who use their time on-line wisely and actually educate others or help them in some way, then of course there are those that use it as an opportunity to degrade, insult, and bully others. I don't see this is an an adolescent ONLY issue, I see more adults behaving badly than I do young adults, honestly. What is now defunct in the lives of people that they must hurt someone else to feel good about themselves? I know, to an extent, this has always been, but before it was face to face, where you could clock a bitch who talked such shit to your face, in fact, most of the stuff said over a computer, would NEVER be said to someone's face, EVER.  So why would anyone feel that it is appropriate? Truth is, I don't think they even care or think about what is appropriate..but one thing I do know, if you watch them on-line, how they talk to others and behave in general, you have seen through their soul. It's the "real" them. How they are in person, is actually the actor whose being "human" to ensure friends, lets face it, it's gotta be lonely as hell to be evil. No decent person would bother with such ilk.

Personal lives, on and off line; some of it is downright disturbing!! Just a few examples, verbal abuse on children..what's up with that? Are they that weak minded, lacking that much parenting skill, or human love and compassion that verbally bashing a baby or child is the solution? I won't get into the real, physical bashing of child right now, or this blog won't end. People do the same to animals, what? They have no feelings? They don't know the difference between a happy voice, a very angry voice, and angry behaviour? Well, if you are doing that and reading this, STOP that shit NOW! Yes, they do know and you do not deserve a child or a pet if you do not have self control! Goodness me, that is common sense! Get help. Or give child up for adoption before you hurt it and do the same with your pet! BUT..when you bring that pet to a NON KILL shelter, don't lie, tell them your an abusive assbag and do not deserve the pet and it surly does not deserve your abuse!

I do not address "everyone in the human race" in this blog, but those who can relate to, and identify with, what I have said... this blog's for you.  It's time to make a change, its time to make sure you replace hate words with nice words, to lower your voice, to be on your computer and realise that a real person is on the other end with feelings and problems of their own, they don't need your bull shit adding to them. "Treat others the way YOU want to be treated". I am not suggesting that you let someone bully you or a relative..not at all, I am suggesting you leave the verbal/written aggression for those that well and truly deserve it. Don't verbally assault someone because you can and won't miss any teeth for it..because you're "on line". 


Lets all TRY to be more compassionate, to realise that we are all hurting in one way or another, that as a human race, we need to stick together, not divide. 


Can you just try that?

Jerk-off of the year 2010

Ok, now for you jerks who seek enjoyment being cruel to your family and friends...you know who you are...stop the crap USER! Everyone you know is so sick and tired of being used, if you really look around, you honestly don’t have many friends left...it is because they are sick of being taken advantage of; Sick of being used and lied to. You are so cunning and yet so transparent...the put on conversations, the fake laughs, the fake nails and dead eyes...The exaggerated lifestyle, the obvious dislike for children, the out-right lies for the purpose of belittling...the sick enjoyment you get from watching others drown..Their feet kicking to stay above water..While you stand at the shore..With a life preserver, laughing. You are truly “Jerk-off's of the year”.

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