Bitter or Angry?

I asked myself this question the other day because as I read my own blog, I thought, WOW you are either bitter or angry, maybe even both!!! I needed to be honest with myself and the answer was- yes, I am angry. I am angry about many things from the past, very angry in fact. 

Anyone who has endured much of the things that I have, I believe would feel no differently. What does not help is those disappointments and unrelenting heartbreaks are so close to the surface, yet we go through our lives day to day not really thinking about it anymore..believing it is the past. I am here to say that for me, it really isn't, it is as close to the surface as it can get. How I know this is due to a process called self preservation. Which I can describe for me to be about ensuring I do not allow anyone to be abusive toward me ever again, to make sure that I do not associate with anyone who has displayed an abusive nature. 

I do not play well with those whose first love is money and power.  Immediately ones mind may go to a politician or some sort of profession. However, I am really talking about ordinary people.  Some "ordinary" people wield power in different ways, it might be in the office, a boss that never asks, or says would you or could you please..instead may just slam things on your desk and demand a time frame for it to be done.  It might be a spouse who is verbally abusive and goes out of his or her way to humiliate you, it could be a friend who never misses an opportunity to let you know that he or she is doing far better in life than you are..it could also be a child abuser and/or an animal abuser, depending on which one they have.. children or animals.  It could be someone who refuses to take no for an answer..and just pushes and pushes..by saying no, you are making them feel powerless, thus they relentlessly call and call if you have hung up on them..or if you have for example..requested they no longer contact you, will continue to do so..a lot. Just a few examples that I consider to be traits of an "ordinary" person who is in love with power (and control).   Money, we all know those whose first love is money; in my opinion, they are the ones that constantly flash it..talk about what they have bought (always pricey items), vacations, boats, cars, toys, and everything else. Generally, you know how much their mortgage is, how much their car cost, how much private school for the children cost, how much their jewelry is worth, and what they make a year, or a week..whichever they carry on about. They generally pick friends who they deem to be less fortunate..because lets face it, if they hung around those who made as much, whether they made it known to everyone else or not, it would be a challenge for them to brag..now wouldn't it?  

Those are the sort of people I just can't stand to be around. I am not intimidated by anyone in power, I am not jealous of anyone who lives well and I surly do not feel inferior by either. What I do feel is a sense of disgust at the behavior..period. This is NOT to say that everyone who holds high professional positions and make excellent money are all lovers of money and power first, or at all. There are many people who are definitely financially secure with a powerful position in life who are compassionate, loving and caring. I have lived well, and I have lived on an excellent income, and I never demanded anything from anyone, I never bragged about what I had, in fact, I preferred that no one knew. I was generous, usually anonymously, and sometimes not so much, especially if anyone needed help and came to me for that help, I always helped. I never felt I was better than anyone else and I never treated anyone as if I were. BECAUSE I WASN'T. Money does NOT make anyone BETTER in ANY sense. The only thing anyone should judged on is who they are as a person, nothing else.

When I mentioned that my bitterness or anger is generally close to the surface, I did so because I have seen myself in action (obviously). I do not tolerate blatant disrespect towards myself or my loved ones..ever and I am not ashamed to admit it. I do not deserve it..no one deserves it..not an ordinary person. Yes, there are crimes committed that we may make comments on that are disrespectful, but it is because of what they have done, this is not what I am talking about when I say that no one deserves it. 

  

Sometimes I wonder if I am the "watch" for things with people that I know I just can't handle or accept..but in thinking about that, I will say..no, I am not. I am myself when I meet someone, I expect them to be as well, I do not pre -judge anyone, I do not look for bad things, when I have decided that I like them, I just enjoy them for who they are. Basically, as best as I can describe it, it is when they feel comfortable enough around me to be themselves that I will know who they really are, which naturally occurs when you spend a great deal of time with them. When I see dominating behavior, or a love of money & power..I'm instantly disappointed. I know that my sense of right and wrong can not tolerate that in my life..been there & done that..and those feelings of anger resurface, the ones I thought were in my past..and I must wash my hands of the situation with those people. I will have nothing to do with them.

It might sound as if I think I am really something special..that couldn't be further from the truth..but what I am is honest, especially with myself. I can not feel and be content in MY life if I allow myself to be surrounded by those who pretend to want to see you do well, while praying that you don't, by those who use you as their sounding board, yelling their vile profanity and hate, by those that want you to feel defeated by letting you know how far you must go to reach their level (they measure success by money & power)..by ANYONE who isn't a "friend". 

You also do not need those kind of people in your life. Live well, live happily, live contently..take the trash in your life, to the trash and don't look back.

xoxo SOBRIA.

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Why am I so intuitive?

Having recently had a wonderful visit with a dear friend, who's more like a twin, I say that because we are very much alike. It is of great comfort to me to know her and spend time with her because if I did not have her, I would go through life explaining that I am not a judgmental, paranoid bitch.  Having someone in my life who is on top of her game as I am, I never feel the need to explain.


I realize that a lot of what people say and do are "habits"..and that is something I do as well. I may respond to a comical email with "how funny"..instead of using my own brain and writing "I think that was so funny, I really laughed!".  I may also "automatically" be polite because I am polite and very much about respect. In hindsight though, I will ask myself "why didn't you just tell ____to to take a long walk off a short pier?" Or be more direct and tell them exactly what is on your mind??  Because sometimes you aren't in the mood to have a headache that will ensue, and sometimes you just do the polite thing and provide grace (not being mean when you could be) because, in reality, you are not aggressive..unless you are forced to be.  So, I get ALL that...I DO.


What I don't GET is those that constantly lie, pretend, sneak, and plot. They do this with their friends, they do this with co-workers, job applications, the tax department (idiots), and everything they come into contact with. There's always a plan, if you will, to have it all come out in their favor. Leave nothing to fate, because they know that fate doesn't like their kind much at all. 


Many people are just unhappy, and for good reasons some of the time, finances stink, relationship stinks, maybe they have lost someone they love dearly to the heavens, maybe they have lost their job, it could be that they have had or been in a terrible accident or some trauma, it could just be GUILT..whatever it is, for each person it is REAL and it does affect them and how they carry out their day to day to lives.  It doesn't have to, but you can't tell them that unless they want to change their lives around.


The sort of people I am speaking about may well have those issues, and it could very well be what makes them the "demons shat from hell" that they are today..frankly, I don't give a fuck!  Should those people find themselves in my exclusive circle of people that I call my friends, (not my facebook friends, my REAL friends) they will swiftly find out, and become greatly annoyed that they can not pull their shit with me. Ah, yes, for a while, they will...because I am a trusting person, and I am a person who overlooks A LOT of things in order not to be "all up in their business" so to speak.  It is not a requirement of friends to agree on everything n' anything..sometimes you have to accept their false as they must accept yours..but only up to the point that you see their false lies within their soul and they are actually soul-sucking demon in human clothing. That's when most run..but it is when I expose them..initially, people will say "nooo, you have them all wrong"..or "you're reading too much into it", and even "do you even like anybody?"..these things I must live with, but I do not stop ripping layer after layer down..and finally, people see what I showed them all along..no..it isn't rewarding, it pisses me off because I HAD TO PROVE I WAS RIGHT  to be believed. BUT, that is HOW good these fuckers make themselves out to be. Except with me. 


I watch someone's face and eye movement when telling me a story without even realizing it..because when I begin to doubt the story, I will later (even months later) recall what they were wearing, their facial expression, eye movements, the pitches in their voice, their hand gestures, etc.and I know when someone is talking to me, I'm not analyzing them, on a conscious level, anyway. 


I have always disliked a woman my step-brother married, I never met her in my life..just email contact and later facebook contact..I knew from the opening gate I did not like her, though I tried very much to like her..I set aside many things she said, implied, and reacted to and how she reacted to them..in order to like her..in the end, I concluded that I could not stand her, not because I'm a bitch, but because she is, as well as a pathological lair and an attention seeking slag.  She made a highly offensive status one day, and I called her on it..but simply by saying "that sounds racist"..I'm sure you didn't mean it to..but it does. After I did, 2 others echoed my response..to retaliate, she went on a mission to do her best to humiliate me, which did not go very far..as she knows nothing about ME, as I said, I did not like her from the start, I certainly never had personal conversations with her, so instead she began to make things up, as she was dwindling down with trying to prove what she was saying about me, (because she could not) she deleted me..thus disabling my ability to defend myself. Which is fine..but it proves my intuition about her.  No good, from the opening gate. Since that has occurred, she has offended my sister and my mother..while I am sorry that happened, it again, proved what I was saying all along, she's no fucking good.


There's another story I will delve into later, this is way too long..and I will let you rest on this.


As for my friend, my twin..she gets it, as she warned me before about someone and I didn't listen..that will never happen again.


xoxo
Sobria.


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